Today, as encouragement to get people to drink all of their bourbon, there’s going to be a prize at the bottom of every bottle. Some of the prizes will be too small and if you drink your bourbon too fast you’ll swallow your little plastic toy. Many will experience damage to the esophagus. Scraping. Many others will drink the toy without realizing it and they’ll think they are very unlucky, or they’ll assume they were ripped off and demand refunds.
Some of the prizes will be too large, which is where the slogan “When The Bottle’s Dry, Smash It On the Curb and See What’s Inside!” came from. This will result in a city covered in glass and many gnarled bloody hands clenched around little plastic toys. Hospitals will be overrun.
Some of the toys will be just right, and when you take the last sip of that perfect bottle of bourbon, your toy will come rushing out just as you close your lips and it’ll give you a little kiss and land in your hand. Then you’ll unwrap the plastic and you’ll see that because you drank your whole bottle of bourbon, you just won a whistle. Congratulations, special drinker.
Happy At The Bottom Of Every Bottle Of Bourbon, There’s A Prize Day!