Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Make Conversation With The Woman You Sometimes See Pissing On One Of The Neighboring Graves Day!

You show up every week to piss on the grave of the loan officer who foreclosed on your father's house when you were ten, resulting in your father committing suicide not long after he moved you and your mom into a two-bedroom apartment across town. You like coming here to piss on the loan officer's grave because, first of all, the loan officer deserves to have all totems and monuments to his life defiled with as much human waste as you have time to expel. Second of all, it's always good to have an excuse to get outdoors on your lunch break. The loan officer's grave is in a very pretty part of the cemetery, so sometimes you take a scenic walk on your way to his tombstone. Even with your bladder overflowing from all the coffee and water you filled up on before you got out of the car, you don't like to rush such a pretty walk through nature.

Every once in a while you've spotted a woman squatting over a grave just a few rows back. You've nodded hello once or twice when your eyes have met, but you haven't said anything since you know the act of pissing on a grave can be very meditative and you wouldn't want to disturb her mental repose. But one day you catch her while she's still downing some Snapples and she raises one of the bottles to you in a "Cheers!" gesture before guzzling it down.

"Mary Wiggims," you say, reading the name on the gravestone she's getting ready to piss on. "What'd she do, if you don't mind my asking?"

"She was my sister," the woman says. "Poisoned my mother's mind with lies when she was in a home with dementia, convinced her to cut me out of the will. I wasn't even allowed to attend her funeral."

You give the gravestone the finger. "My guy over there tricked my dad into a crap mortgage. Took our house, my dad's pride, ultimately his life."

The woman gives your dad's loan officer's stone the finger in turn. She tells you her name is Alice.

"Lucky for us they were buried in such a nice part of the cemetery, right?"

You nod. "I like to park far away just to have more of a walk."

Alice downs her last bottle of Snapple, then tosses it to the soil in front of her sister's grave, letting you know she's at go-time.

"I'll leave you to it," you say. "It was nice meeting you, Alice."

You take a few steps away, then you stop and think about how rare it is to meet someone who shares your interests. You turn and catch Alice before she's entered her squat.

"Hey, I hope this isn't too forward," you say. "But maybe we could meet up sometime beforehand, get to know each other over some diuretics?"

Alice nods, her thumbs resting on the waistband of her pants.

"I'd like that," she says.

After that you and Alice get together every week to share some conversation over coffee, beer, and various other bladder-filling beverages before you both head out to defile your respective graves. Soon you move in together and marry, and when the time comes you find a gorgeous joint burial plot right in between your father's loan officer and Alice's sister, so you can spend eternity side-by-side in the soil muddied week after week with your co-mingled urine.

Happy Make Conversation With The Woman You Sometimes See Pissing On One Of The Neighboring Graves Day!