Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Get Out Of That Break Room Day!

You and your coworker Louise always end up in the Schlotsky's break room at the same time and you never do anything but sit around reading your phones.

"Let's get the motherfuck outta here Louise!" you shout. "We got 15 minutes lets make the most of it!"

"You're right!" Louise says. "Let's go kill my husband and make it look like an accident!"

You and Louise head over to Louise's house and find her husband making her a special romantic dinner.

"Who's this?" her husband asks, seeing you. "I can set a third seat at the table."

Louise looks at the clock.

"We have to be back at our registers in 8 minutes," Louise says.

You and Louise grab her husband, drag him upstairs, then throw him down the stairs so it can look like he fell by accident but all he does at the bottom of the stairs is get up and ask what's wrong.

Louise checks the clock. "Six minutes!"

You grab her husband, drag him outside and throw him in front of a moving car, but the car brakes to a stop before hitting him.

"5 minutes!" Louise shouts.

You start whispering in her husband's ear all the sad things in the world, all the injustices, the feeling that existence is nothing but pain, and humanity happened only to exact cruelty on the world. You whisper all this hoping he'll run inside to kill himself but instead he runs inside to look up some charities where he can volunteer his services.

"We have 4 minutes!" Louise shouts. "Forget it!"

Louise kisses her husband goodbye and he tells her to pick up something for dessert when she's done with her shift.

"Motherfucker won't die," you say when you're both back at your registers.

Louise nods, tears running down her cheeks. "That's why I love him," she says. "I test him and I test him to try to make him go but he never does. I don't deserve him."

Louise composes herself to sell someone a sandwich. Your manager tells you both that there's a new rule that employees aren't allowed to leave the premises during a break, even if it's to commit an attempted murder. Tell him this is bullshit.

Happy Get Out Of That Break Room Day!