Friday, January 09, 2015

Someone’s Been Having Sex With Wax Patrick Stewart Day!

Freddy, the museum director, is pacing the front of the staff room, clearly trying to contain his anger.

“These wax figures trust us,” Freddy says. “They trust us to care for them, just as the public figures who lent their likeness to these wax figures trust us to not use their likeness for anything but to give the public an afternoon of diverting, slightly eerie entertainment.”

Freddy has his hands behind his back, shaking his head woefully.

“Do you know what nearly every celebrity asks before giving their consent to add their wax replica to our museum? They ask, ‘How do I know you’re not just going to have sex with it?’”

Some of the staffers drop their heads in shame. It doesn’t feel good to know you’ve confirmed a celebrity’s worst fears. That a celebrity put his or her trust in you and you dropped the ball.

Someone raises his hand and asks how Freddy knows that Wax Patrick Stewart was fornicated with.

“I don’t want to get into it,” he says. “Suffice to say, there were stains. Stains we can use to get DNA. Now I don’t want to have to ask everyone to provide me with a DNA sample. We’re a family here and we’re supposed to trust each other. So instead, I’m just going to turn my back for 30 seconds. If you did it, simply walk up here, lay your museum-issued vest and cummerbund on the table here, and walk out the door. No further questions, no prosecution.“

Freddy turns his back. For thirty seconds, everyone on staff looks to each other, trying to see if the culprit will come forward. No one stands up. When Freddy turns back around, his disappointment is palpable.

You raise your hand with a question.

“Why would anyone have sex with the figures anyway?” you ask. “When you take off their clothes there aren’t even any holes.”

Before Freddy can ask how you know there aren’t any holes, you realize your mistake and take off running. You drop your vest and cummerbund in a dumpster, then you hide in a park for a few days to figure out what the hell  you’re supposed to do with your life now that your dream of being a wax museum guard has been shattered by one night of erotic bliss.

Happy Someone’s Been Having Sex With Wax Patrick Stewart Day!