Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Preferred Customer Rewards Day!

“Him,” the counterperson says, pointing to you. “I want him.”

You point to yourself to make sure you’re the one to whom he’s referring.

“Go away,” the counterperson says to the guy standing before him with his credit card out. “You’re not in the program. Get!”

The guy standing before him with his credit card out asks what the big idea is and where does this counterperson get off. Two men in masks take him by his armpits and drag him through a doorway.

“You!” the counterperson shouts, pointing to you. “Get your butt up here. You’re the reason I showed up to work today!”

You go to the counter and tell him you’d like to return the space heater you’re holding in your arms. You present your preferred customer card which gives you no-hassle returns.

“You don’t like it?” he asks. “Do you see the guy who sold it to you?”

You look around and locate the employee you bought the space heater from helping another customer near electronics.

“Hang on.”

Your counterperson approaches the other employee and sucker punches him across the nose. The employee who sold you the space heater goes down and the counterperson starts kicking him in the kidneys. Other employees gather around him and stomp on his chest and face.

“If he ever gives you any trouble again,” the counterperson pants upon returning to you, “You say the word. I’ll handle it.”

The counterperson hands you a trophy. It reads, “Best Customer.”

“You did it,” the counterperson says.

Tell him thanks. Once your return is processed, the counterperson will begin a slow clap. Make your way to the door as other sales personnel join in the slow clap until it reaches a crescendo and the entire sales staff is clapping for you, even the manager outside by the ambulance where the beaten-down employee is being loaded in. The manager claps for you and gives you a “Nice one!” Then she leans down and drags her palm over the beaten-down employee’s face to gently close his eyelids.

Happy Preferred Customer Rewards Day!