Thursday, January 09, 2014

Get Fired Day!

Today’s the day to go into your boss’s office and get fired.

“The reason for this meeting today,” tell your boss, “is things at the company are in flux.”

“What?” your boss asks.

“It’s not that I’m not doing good work,” tell him. “It’s that there’s just less work to be done.”

“What’s going on?” he asks. He looks around the room, panicked, searching for someone to offer you a reprieve. Then he looks back at you, waiting for you to deliver the final blow.

“If it were up to you,” tell him. “I’d stay on indefinitely. Unfortunately, it’s not up to you.”

“Who’s it up to?” your boss asks. “Who’s pulling the strings?”

“The men upstairs,” tell him.

“Those bastards!” your boss says. “They don’t know how to keep up with the times. If they’d only have listened to your suggestions.”

“I can’t argue with you there,” you tell your boss. “They’re letting me go so they can hang on to their precious salaries and their archaic idea of how things should work.”

“Can’t I do something?” your boss asks. “I could go to bat for you.”

“We both know any effort on your part to save my job would fall on deaf ears,” explain to your boss.

“Seventeen years though,” your boss says. “You’ve been here seventeen years and this is how they treat you.”

“The world’s upside down, what can I say.” You try and reassure him. “Someone as talented as me though, I’m sure I’ll land on my feet.”

“At your age?” your boss asks. “Middle-aged guy going job hunting? We both know it’ll be a long time before you end up somewhere, and you’ll have to accept something way below what you deserve.”

“You need to think of this as a fresh start for me,” tell your boss.

“Yeah but I’m not the one going through it,” your boss says.

Stand up and extend your hand for him to shake. “I know it’s going to work out for me,” tell him.

Your boss reluctantly shakes your hand.

“It’s not fair,” he says.

“It never is,” you tell him. “Jeffrey here will escort me out.”

Jeffrey the security guard is at the door, holding a box of your things.

“Is this really necessary?” your boss asks.

“I’m afraid it is,” you tell him. “It’s not that they don’t trust me. It’s about liability.”

Your boss searches for something to say.

“If there’s anything I need, I’ll call you,” you assure him.

“I appreciate that,” your boss says.

Jeffrey escorts you down in the elevator, carrying your things to your car. You drive home while your boss sits in his office, wondering what in God’s name you’re going to tell your wife.

Happy Get Fired Day!