Thursday, March 17, 2011

Onboarding Day!

Take him there on the confidentiality agreements. Use that pile of unread yet signed and dated promises to keep things hush hush as a cushion while you engage in three of the seven behaviors detailed in the employee conduct manual section 3C-12: “Inappropriate Relationships and Mediation Processes Preceding Disciplinary Action.”

He’ll have some questions when you’re both buttoning.

“What now?”

Now you’ll direct him to fingerprinting and set up a time for him to get his ID photo taken.

“No, you and me now.”

Tell him if he intends to blackmail you, his name will go out to every HR admin in the city. Tell him your kind sticks together. Tell him the HR network would never let one of their own take a fall for tappng a piece of ass during an onboarding.

“I wouldn’t,” he’ll say. “I just want to know, do you do this a lot? Or was I…”

This was your first. Something in his eyes flicked a switch inside you that made you want to be reckless, do something to burn your career to the ground, maybe send you home with a cardboard box and a confession to your husband. Would that switch have been flicked had you not been staring into those new hire eyes? No telling. More importantly, will the switch be flicked again when you bump into him in the copy room? No telling.

“I do it all the time,” tell him. “You’re just a file I have to alphabetize.”

The buttoning (the buttoning takes forever!) will be just about over. You’ll keep your eyes on your daughter’s photo, knowing he’s keeping his eyes on you. Staring at your daughter’s face, you feel only chaos.

“See you around the office,” he’ll say, pulling his suit jacket on.

“Welcome to the company,” tell him. Once he’s gone, find a band aid to cover the wound you just dug into your palm with your fingernail.

Happy Onboarding Day!