Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Digging Under The Girls Locker Room Day!

You and Felix are digging into the ground underneath the girls locker room so that you can drill a hole into the floor and look up at the girls as they undress.

“Why couldn’t we have dug under the girls locker room at school?” Felix will ask when he hits another layer of rock. “We don’t even know what kind of girls are members of this Crunch gym location.”

“Keep digging,” you tell Felix.

After digging for three weeks straight, Felix will start to go mad (the two of you have been living down there, sharing the air and sleeping standing up in that dirty four foot wide hole). He’ll decide that you’re going to cheat him out of his share of the treasure he discovered (his shovel hit a chest containing approximately $3.2 billion in emeralds. You explained that since the shovel he was digging with came from your dad’s garage, where your dad placed it after spending the 14 bucks for it at Ace Hardware, he has to split the treasure with you). Felix will confront you with bloody intent.

“Rrrrrghhaglllmmmmph,” he’ll say. His speech will have devolved considerably.

“No one’s cheatin’ nobody,” you’ll say. Then you’ll drive your hammer against the chisel aimed at the ceiling up above, and a beam of light will shine down upon you from the crack you just made.

“Felix,” you’ll say. “We done it!”

You’ll pin your good eye up against the crack to watch a woman in a sports bra and danskins remove a large bandage from the leaky blister on her foot.

“The promised land,” you’ll say.

Felix will drive his shovel into your neck, killing you instantly. The treasure his and his alone, he’ll stay down there with it in the dark hole to make sure no one tries to trick him out of it again. Fourteen days later, Felix will die.

When some of the fine ladies of Crunch Gym alert a trainer to the smell, Crunch Gym will dig into the ground and find you, Felix, and the emeralds. Since the treasure was buried under a Crunch Gym, the Crunch Gym company will claim the treasure and use the $3.2 billion to replace some treadmills.

Happy Digging Under The Girls Locker Room Day!