Wednesday, March 30, 2011

He’s A Nobody Day!

When your husband leaves the room to get more wet wipes, lean into your baby’s crib and whisper, “Don’t worry about him. He’s a nobody.”

Your husband will come in and say that he heard you. Explain that you just didn’t want your baby to think he was some kind of big shot just because he’s the tallest guy in the room.

“I’m not a nobody,” he’ll say.

Ask him if he’s famous. Ask him if he’s been given any awards recently. Ask him about the last time his name was a trending topic on a social media site. You’ll be out of breath by now, but if you can, ask him what would happen if he walked into a fancy a restaurant tonight and didn’t have a reservation.

“I read about this in the books. You’re claiming her. In the first few months parents can feel like they’re competing for the baby’s love.”

“I’m just telling my baby the truth.”

“I don’t want my child–”

“To know her father? These are all facts. If you want to hide your true self from your baby then why don’t you just leave us alone? I won’t have my baby raised by a duplicitous man.”

Your husband will walk out of the room, his head hanging low. When he does, lean into your baby’s crib and whisper, “See? Total zero.” Then pull out the past five year’s tax forms and read your husband’s total net gross income to your baby until the little angel falls asleep.

Happy He’s A Nobody Day!