Thursday, October 08, 2009

Your Video Masturbation Subscription List Is Bored Day!

Back in '67 you started a subscription-based club for people who wanted to receive a drawing of you masturbating once every month. You promised that the drawing was a true representation of one of your masturbation sessions that took place during the month prior (or an amalgam of several, if you felt there was too much going on that month to limit it to one position/setting).

In the 1980's, with the rise of the VCR, your subscribers demanded videotape and you conceded. You saw a big dropoff in subscriptions since you were pushing 40 by that time and the camera doesn't lie.

Now with the rise of the internet, you distribute your videos online. You still stick to the once a month schedule, but that doesn't make it easier on you. Since you're in your sixties now, you often have to schedule several shoot days before you finally get a take that doesn't end with you letting go of your flacid member and throwing your hands up, saying into the camera, "Maybe next time."

Your subscriber base (now down to just four people, one of them being your ex-wife (long story)) have been complaining that they've been seeing the same man masturbate for decades now and they feel like they should know more about him. So today you're going to tape yourself masturbating with one hand while showing off your baseball card collection with the other.

You won't get too in depth about the collection, since you really need to concentrate to masturbate. You're just going to flip the pages of your card binder, then wave your hand a little, as if you were a game show girl showing off the next prize. You hope that shuts everyone up, because you really don't want to have to masturbate while telling the camera about the first time you saw a dead body when you were seven.

Happy Your Video Masturbation Subscription List Is Bored Day!