Thursday, October 22, 2009

Save Your Family Day!

Today some crazy people with guns who wear masks that don't have any eyeholes are going to come into your house and announce, "We're going to rape and kill all of you right here in the middle of dinner. It's what we do for fun. Who's first?"

Everyone in your family will say, "Aw man! I wanted to finish dinner." Then they'll accept their fates and they'll form a single file line.

Everyone except you.

"I don't think so you guys," you'll say.

The masked rapists/killers will all laugh.

"But you're only seven!"

"Yup," you'll say. "But I'm REAL unstable."

That's when you'll light the firecrackers you had been planning to shove up the cat's butt and you'll throw them at the rapists/killers who will fire their weapons in the air in the confusion.

Then you'll take the lighter fluid you had been planning to drench the dog with and you'll spray it all over the rapists/killers masks, and you'll light the masks on fire just like you had been planning to do with the dog and your sister's gerbil if you had enough lighter fluid which you probably would have.

The rapists/killers will fall to the ground trying to get their burning masks off but soon they'll all just pass out with their eyes ruined forever. Just to add insult to injury, you'll take some of the live ants you keep in your pants pocket and you'll shove them up the rapists/killers masks to feed on their charred faces.

Your family will be so happy that you saved them, then they'll be upset when they realize you've crapped on one of the rapists/killers and now you're playing with the crap, kind of exploring it with your hands and murmuring something, a little story that's playing out in your head.

Your family will forever be grateful to, and terrified of, you. You'll have your first inpatient stay at a mental hospital before you turn twelve.

Happy Save Your Family Day!