Your new self-help book, titled “Your Kidnappers Can’t Kidnap Your Inner You,” is selling like crazy, which is a pleasant surprise because you figured that the target audience for a book about how to achieve personal growth while being held captive for ransom would be unable to go shopping because they are all tied to water heaters in basements. You can thank the ebook craze and the ease with which it allows kidnap victims to keep up their reading for your royalty statement. Many kidnappers throw Kindles downstairs with the food, water and TV remote, believing that a kidnap victim with something to read is a kidnap victim who will spend less time dreaming up ways to knock their abductors over the back of the head and escape. The kidnappers generally keep an eye on the books being bought to make sure their abductees aren’t trying to send Amazon messages about their location, but unless kidnappers choose a safehouse in an area that’s been celebrated in literature, it’s kind of hard to pull that off just by buying book titles. Later this afternoon USA Today is going to interview you and ask whether you yourself was ever kidnapped. Be vague about it if you want sales to keep growing. Kidnap victims hate taking advice from people who were never kidnapped. They need to believe you’ve been there, even though you’d never be so stupid as to let something like that happen to you.
Happy Your Kidnappers Can’t Kidnap Your Inner You Day!