Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Come Up To The Lair Sometime Day!

You always assumed his invites were just him being polite, and you never intended to take him up on it. Whenever you’d see the evil mastermind who rid the town of the bats then held the town under financial and psychological enslavement for decades to come, long after most in the town realized that he was probably the one who brought the bats to begin with, he’d say hello and ask after your family before parting with a casual “Come up to the lair sometime!” You’d say you’ll be sure to and then go on with your day, happy that he didn’t sick his albino thugs on you.

Today you’ll discover your assumption was incorrect.

“You haven’t come up to the lair,” he’ll say. “Tell me why. Now.”

You’ll stammer an apology and you’ll tell him you assumed–

“No one should make assumptions about what I say. I only speak information that I want the listener to process and act upon. You received information that I wanted your company in my lair. You processed this and decided I didn’t want the company I requested. Shall I kill you?”

Tell him you’ll be up to the lair after you fix your mother’s lunch.

“I’ll wait until 12:45. A minute after that, if I don’t see you in my lair, your family and your employers will be taken to the creek bed and shot. You’ll have no family and no income.”

You’ll say that you’ll be there.

“I’m making mimosas today,” he’ll say. Then he’ll be off.

After you fix your mother’s lunch you’ll head up to the evil mastermind’s mountainside lair, where you’ll be greeted like a long-lost friend with whom he’s reunited at long last. You and the evil mastermind will drink mimosas while you watch footage of a war in southeast asia that he orchestrated. On his fourth mimosa he’ll be drunk enough to ask, “So does everyone down there in the town know I’m the one who brought the bats?”

You’ll nod. “It took us a while to figure it out. But yeah, I think everyone knows.”

The evil mastermind will say, “Then I guess I owe them all an apology.”

He’ll walk across the room to a PA console and shout into the microphone. “Hi everyone. I’m a little late on this I know, but I just wanted to say, about the bats, sorrrrrrry!”

As he returns to the couch you’ll hear that “sorry” echoing up from the town into the hills. Once on the couch he’ll tell you that he’s never apologized to anyone before. He’ll say, “I guess it’s the champagne. Or maybe it’s the company.”

The evil mastermind will think for a second, just a second, and then he’ll have made up his mind.

“I want you to be the one to kill me and take over my global operations. Even though you’ll intend to destroy all I’ve worked for and bring good unto the world, the power will corrupt you and you’ll prove to be even more cruel than I. Agree or your family and your employers will be shot.”

You agree. The evil mastermind will keep you close to him for the next 30 years. All the while you’ll be plotting a way to murder him and free your people, but one day you’ll be on the green of the eighth hole on his indoor golf course and he’ll drive up in his golf cart, approach you and hand you a knife and he’ll say, “It’s time. Kill me now. Do it or your family and employers will be shot.”

You’ll stab him in the heart and you’ll go upstairs to his PA system to announce that everyone is free, but when you start to speak you’ll get confused. Instead of telling your people they have their lives and their town back and they needn’t worry any longer, it will come out sounding more like, “I’d like to inform you all of a new tax being levied to finance the safety of your first-born sons. The tax will be paid or your first-born sons will be taken down the to creek bed and shot.” You’ll put down the PA, stunned at yourself. The evil mastermind’s body is still warm and already you’re raising taxes.

Happy Come Up To The Lair Sometime Day!