You and your friends got some new husbands yesterday. They’re pretty awesome.
Jenny got this husband named Brad. He makes money working as a doctor in a hospital and he says nice things to her like “When I look in your eyes everything feels okay again” and “Nice buttocks.”
Amber got this husband called Aaron. He doesn’t make a lot of money but he works with kids or something. Amber says he knows how to build bookshelves and he gave her a shoulder massage just because she sounded tired.
Missy got a husband named Isaac. Isaac is really handsome but he’s schizophrenic. But he’s really handsome.
Pam got a husband named Oliver. Oliver loves the living shit out of guns. He has like fifteen different guns, so Pam’s safe now.
Karen got a husband whose name is Felix. Felix is still in love with his first girlfriend after college who he wanted to marry, but he was drinking a lot back then so Gina, that was her name, she took off. Felix is sober now, has been for years, and he says he’s fine with being Karen’s husband, but just under the surface is this need to convince Gina that he’s a good man, wherever she might be. His marriage to Karen is pretty much going to be an example of the life that Gina could have had if she’d given him a chance to get clean. So basically, Karen is in a marriage that exists solely for the possibility that Gina might happen back into Felix’s life and discover that Felix turned out to be a good man. Is he hoping that Gina will just drop everything and beg him to take her back? She could be dead or gay by now. Anyway, Karen says Felix is a great cook and he likes hiking just as much as she does because Gina loved it just as much as she does also.
Beverly got this husband named Ulysses. He’s just weird in a lot of ways, but Beverly was always into that. He wears makeup.
The husband Mary got is called Henry. He’s ten years younger than she is so she got the best one because he’s the newest.
You got a husband named Mario. Mario owns his own cheese shop and he gets as angry as you do at certain billboards. You like laying down on the couch with Mario because it feels good to put your head on his chest and feel his heartbeat while the two of you watch TV. You like having consensual sex with Mario too. You’re pretty sure you’re not going to replace Mario for years.
Happy New Husbands Day!