Friday, January 21, 2011

Confront Your Mom Day!

Don’t let her treat you like this.  She’s headed for the kitchen.  Go chase her down.

Ask, “What was that?”

She’ll say what was what?

“That. You totally just dissed me.”

I don’t know what you’re talking about is what she’ll say.

“You dissed me. Just now.”

She’ll ask how she dissed you.

“When you walked through the living room I nodded hello and you totally just walked passed me as if you didn’t see it.”

I didn’t see it, she’ll say.

“You totally saw it. You were looking right at me.”

I was busy. I have to fold these clothes.

“Which is it? Did you not see me nod or are you too busy to nod back?”

Your mom will say she’s really tired.  It’s hard for her to sleep since your father left.

“So now you’re too tired to nod.  Too tired to be polite to your own daughter.  This is about respect.  You disrespected me.  I won’t tolerate people disrespecting me.  That’s one thing I won’t put up with.  Not in the place where I live.  I won’t be disrespected.”

Your mom will say that she does respect you.  She won’t say anything else.  She’ll just continue folding some towels as if the matter’s been resolved.

“Hey! You’re being a coos!  You’ve been acting like a total bitch to everybody in this house! ”

Your mom will say that it’s just you and her in the house since your father left.  Then she’ll cry into one of the towels.

“You crying doesn’t change the fact that you disrespected me.”

Your mom will say she’s sorry.

You should suddenly raise your voice and get up in her face and scream, “I am a strong, smart, confident woman who won’t be disrespected like this!!!”

Throw your plastic cup of vodka and diet coke into your mom’s face then drag her to the ground by her hair.  Once she wriggles away, you should both take an hour or two to cool off, then later tonight both of you should sit down and talk this through in the hot tub.

Happy Confront Your Mom Day!