Monday, November 08, 2010

Talk This One Through Day!

When your best buddy in the whole wide world comes home from the war he'll find you in bed with his wife, the woman you've loved ever since he introduced her to you as the only woman in the world for him.

"Whoah!" your number one pal will say. "Some welcome home party."

"Let's talk this through," you'll say.

Spend the first hour telling your friend how important his friendship is to you, and therefore you clearly love his wife more than he does if you were willing to sacrifice something so important to be with her, namely, his friendship.

Your friend will spend the hour after that telling you how well he knows you, which is why he knew the minute you were introduced to his wife just how in love with her you were, and it broke his heart to have to make you feel so much pain, seeing him and his wife together like that when he knew you thought it was you who was supposed to be with her.

"If I could do that to my best buddy in the world," your friend will say. "If I could cause him that kind of pain, a pain that I feel myself, deep inside, if I could hurt my palomine like that just to be with the woman I love, clearly that woman is very important to me."

Spend three hours confirming that yes, it pained you to see him and his wife together, but you knew that his wife wanted it that way, which is why you didn't try to steal her away. "I endured that pain for her, because that's what she wanted. Clearly, I love her, if I could stand by watching the woman I'm meant to be with spend her days with my best friend, if I could endure that hot jagged pain solely because I knew it's what she wants, clearly that means I'm totally into her."

Your friend will spend the next 50 hours describing the sex he has with his wife, and how with every kiss, nibble and thrust, he feels like he's driving a stake through the heart of his best pal, knowing how much his top cochise wishes he was the one administering those kisses, nibbles and thrusts. "But I couldn't stop," he'll say. "I just couldn't stop."

Spend the next six months chiseling a sculpture of your buddy's wife. When you're finished, all three of you will burst into tears at the obvious boundlessness of emotion present in your concrete rendering of the woman you love, the woman whose hand belongs to someone else.

Your buddy will spend the next five years writing a two minute song about his wife and when he finally sings it, you'll all three try to hang yourselves because you never knew a man could feel so much for a woman. Even your buddy didn't know, and he's the one who wrote it.

Finally decide that the only way this is going to be figured out is if you two fistfight for it. Spend the next two decades fistfighting until you decide it's a draw. By then your buddy's wife will have divorced him and remarried twice. You and your best buddy in the world should go and visit her and meet her kids.

Happy Talk This One Through Day!