Friday, November 12, 2010

Be The Airplane Crazy Day!

When you look at the seat next to you it'll be empty so you should go to the flight attendant and ask if she's seen your daughter. When the flight attendant says that they checked the manifest and you came on the plane alone, without a daughter, and that a half-hour ago when you were boarding you were telling everyone how glad you are that you don't have kids, tell her that she must be confusing you for someone else. Go back to your seat and sit next to the tall Asian man who's been sitting there all along, or so he says. Sit quietly and become suspicious that the flight attendants have stolen your daughter.

Go to the bathroom to look for your daughter and you'll find a bloody, murdered corpse slumped at the base of the toilet. Scream until the flight attendants drag you back to your seat. Insist to them that there's a dead man in the bathroom and there's clearly a murderer on the plane. They'll check the bathroom, then return to you and say that the bathroom is empty and free of blood. They'll even let you check for yourself. You'll go and see that the dead man is gone, and you'll become suspicious that the flight attendants murdered the man and threw him out of the plane and that they know how to clean bathrooms really fast.

Back at your seat, you'll suddenly be covered in bees. You'll jump up swatting at them to get away from you, then the flight attendants will tell you there aren't any bees. Look down at your body and become suspicious that the flight attendants can control bees.

Open the inflight magazine and you'll find nothing but articles about why passengers on planes should ignore strange activity and not ask questions because sometimes planes serve a more important purpose than mere travel. At the end of each article there will be a question in italics that reads: "Do you even remember buying the ticket to board this plane? Do you even remember where you're going? Or why you're going there?"

Show one of the articles to the flight attendants. They'll read it for a second, then show you the magazine again and point out that all of the articles are normal, and the one you were reading is about the new soul album by a reunited Eurythmics. Go back to your seat, certain that the flight attendants know how to change what's in magazines just by touching them.

Back at your seat, you'll find that someone booby trapped your seat with sharp spikes and when you sat down on them you died. Tell the flight attendants and they'll say that nope, you're still alive. They'll even pinch you to show that you're still there. You'll become convinced that flight attendants have the ability to control life and death.

Finally, make love to a flight attendant. He will impregnate you with the daughter you remember clear as day having boarded the plane with, the one who disappeared earlier. The flight attendant, you're certain, is able to take a life, snuff it out and regenerate it at the moment it came into being.

"Savor every moment," the flight attendant will say to you as he wipes the sweat from his brow. "Don't let her grow up so fast this time."

"Why did you take her?" ask him. "If you were only going to give her back to me."

While slipping back into his uniform, the flight attendant will tell you that they needed her for a few minutes, they needed all of you in fact, but that you're not needed anymore. You'll go back to your seat feeling those first tiny flutters of a beautiful new life inside your body. You've been given a second chance to enjoy those first seven magical years of your daughter's life again, all because you decided to save a few bucks and fly Spirit.

Happy Be The Airplane Crazy Day!