It’s time to ditch the whole “Say hello to the new Kevin, world” thing and accept the you that you are. We’d all like to think that with a single epiphany or a determined vow to break old habits we can suddenly change the course of our lives and start living the contented, drug-and-disease-free, not-having-to-sleep-with-a-flare-gun-under-our-pillows existence that we always dreamed we could live. But after a certain point you just have to face facts. You are where you are because you are who you are.
“But I already introduced the new Kevin to the world,” you say. “The world already said, ‘Hello New Kevin,’ back. And the world heard me promise to get a job, stop selling my mother’s prescription pills, and to always consider all of my options before making hasty decisions. How can I make it up to the world?”
You have to make the world an offering as penance for making a promise in vain. Either chop off your right hand…
“Done!” you say, wrapping the bloody stump in a bread bag as you dial an ambulance with your left hand.
…Or if that doesn’t appeal to you you can just do a few hours of community service and the world will be satisfied.
“Fuck!” you shout.
Hey world, Old Kevin’s back!
Happy Drop The Act, Kevin Day!