Monday, February 07, 2011

The Kids Who Want To Make Their Mom Come Day!

You and your sisters and brothers have all returned home for Dad’s funeral, and tonight you’re all going to stay up late with your mom, drinking and reminiscing, and your mom will let on that your father never gave her an orgasm.

“Nope,” she’ll say. “Just wasn’t in the cards I guess.”

After lots of questions, you’ll learn that not only did your father never give your mom an orgasm, but she never gave herself one either.

“Never occurred to me I guess,” she’ll say. “I decided long ago that I wanted my first orgasm to be given to me by someone else. I even cheated on your dad some to try and find the right man to give it to me.”

No matter how many men your mom had sex with, she just couldn’t find that exactly right guy with that exactly right touch. So she gave up.

“By now I figure screw it,” she’ll say. “I’m gonna die soon so why bother try what ain’t gonna happen. Oh did I tell you kids I only have six months to live?”

You and your sisters and brothers will pow-wow, and after you take a vote on it, you’ll agree to go out and find a man to have sex with your mom until she climaxes. After placing several ads on several websites, you’ll narrow the pool down to fifteen guys. One by one they’ll go in and have sex with your mom, and when that doesn’t work out, you’ll invite all fifteen back to do her all at once. She’ll tell you that was fun, but still, no dice.

“Guess this thing’s shot,” your mom will say, referring to her clitoris.

You’ll send your mom to a sex therapist, where after one breakthrough session she’ll remember the time she came the closest to coming.

“We were out in the barn, me and Tommy Braddock, one of the stable boys my papa hired. He knew just what to do and with how much pressure, and I swear he had me on the ropes, but then we heard Papa’s shotgun. Papa was standing in the barn door and he chased Tommy off. I never saw him again.”

When your mom relays the story to you, you’ll know you have no choice but to track down Tommy Braddock and bring him to her. Luckily, he’ll still be alive and he’ll remember that time just as well as your Mom.

“Wow,” Tommy will say. “That’d be amazing to finish where we started. It’ll be like we started having sex when we were kids, and we never finished until we were seniors. It’ll be as if we’ve been having sex our whole lives.”

You’ll fly Tommy back to your Mom’s house and send him into her room. You’ll close the door on them just as you catch sight of Tommy kissing your mom, then you and your siblings will listen at the door to what will sound like a raucous marathon of love-making. Lots of shouting, lots of headboard banging, lots of instances of people taking the Lord’s name in vain.

When you reenter the room you’ll find Tommy dead, your mother’s bedsheets wrapped around his neck.

“He tried to kill me,” she’ll say. “He came back her for revenge. He told me that getting fired as a stable boy sent his family into poverty and ruined his life, and then he tried to crack my skull against this headboard.”

Eventually your mother turned the tables, got a length of bedsheet around Tommy’s neck and choked the life out of him.

“And guess what?” your mom will say, smiling.

“Did you?” you’ll ask.

“It was magnificent,” your mom will say. “Just as Tommy released his death rattle I felt a current of pure synaptic ecstasy spasm through every inch of my body, head to toe. I felt it burrow into my marrow then explode outward again. All this time I’ve been chasing the perfect sexual partner, when I had no idea that all I had to do to finally have an orgasm was murder a man with my bare hands.”

Your mom will pull you and all your siblings into a hug. Her tears will soak the tops of your heads. Then she’ll tell you to take Tommy out back and bury him. She’ll watch from her chair by the window while you dig. When you finally have him buried, you’ll come back upstairs to find your mom still in her chair, her eyes closed, a peaceful smile on her face. She’ll still be warm, having perhaps just passed a few minutes prior.

That smile will tell you she died happy, not because she finally had an orgasm, but because she raised such good kids that they would go to such trouble to give her one.

Happy The Kids Who Want To Make Their Mom Come Day!