Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Sit Down With Lance Day!

No one ever sits with Lance, the divorcee who comes to the coffee shop every day to rearrange the photos of his ex-wife for the scrapbook he’s putting together in hopes of winning her back. Do him a favor and go ask him some questions.

When you first take your seat Lance will look at you and say, “What.”

Tell him you just wanted to share some time with him, find out his story.

“I’m trying to get my wife back. That’s my story. You’re either going to help me by going away or you’re going to ruin everything by distracting me with your horseshit questions.”

Ask him if he really thinks a book full of pictures of his ex-wife will win her back.

“You got any better ideas?”

Move on, tell him. Open yourself up to new experiences.

“New experience. Like what, sex with you? That’ll be the day.”

Ask him why sex with you is so impossible to imagine.

“I can imagine it, sure. I can also imagine killing myself right after. Here’s how that’ll go down. We’ll have sex, Patty will find out and decide that I don’t care about her anymore, all my efforts of the last 14 years will be lost all because you tricked me inside of you. Suicide is next, because yeah, that’s what happens when the only thing you ever wanted slips away.”

Ask him why Patty left.

“Why do they always leave?”

He was doing too much cocaine? Ask that.

“Bingo! She wins the jackpot.”

Tell him that 14 years seems like too long to hope for a second chance.

“Look, you’re very pretty, and I don’t expect you to give me any other advice except to move on. But I don’t care. I’m going after my ex-wife. You can chase a career goal or kids or some kind of big sailboat trip or whatever. You fill your three or four decades before death with whatever activities you want. I’m going to fill mine by making the perfect scrapbook in order to win my ex-wife back. The world doesn’t give a shit about either of us so let’s do whatever we want.”

Just then Patty will sprint into the coffee shop, stop at Lance’s table and say, “It’s never going to happen.” Then she’ll steal his unfinished scrapbook, sprint outside and toss it into a passing trash truck before running away.

Lance will take out a shoebox full of photos and a new empty scrapbook.

“She does that. I got duplicates,” he’ll say.

Leave Lance alone to start over on his Pattybook. You should really be more focused on your big sailboat trip or whatever.

Happy Sit Down With Lance Day!