Saturday, April 05, 2014

You Don’t Really Care About The Environment Day!

You don’t really care about the environment but you tell people you do because you want people to think you’re cool.

“No way would I ever litter,” you tell people at coke parties and while trying to get into clubs. “CFCs piss me off. Damn straight.”

At work when the cool guy at work who wears his tie as a bandana during happy hour tells you that you should turn off your monitor when you leave for the day to conserve electricity, you say, “You’re damn skippy I should!” Though you really couldn’t give a crap.

Problem is, you’ve fallen in love with a girl. And you’re afraid that if you let on that you don’t really care about the environment as much as you’ve pretended to during the courtship, the relationship will end.

“What do I do?” you ask your butch best friend, Slats.

“Be honest!” Slats will say. Slats is your best friend but she secretly loves you and she hopes being honest will end it with this dumb, rich, environmentalist girl you’ve been seeing. “If she can’t handle the real you, she doesn’t deserve to be with you. Now practice kissing on me so you won’t blow it when you kiss her later tonight.”

You practice kissing on Slats, then you go out on your date with your girlfriend. Midway through dinner you tell her you don’t really care about the environment.

“That’s really upsetting,” she says. “I don’t think we can go on.”

“But Slats told me to be honest!”

Your girlfriend says, “I think Slats is the one you should really be with.”

You leave the restaurant and run out into the street and you find Slats walking down the middle of the street with tears in her eyes.

“When we were practicing kissing together earlier,” you tell her. “It shouldn’t have been practice. It should have been just kissing.”

You and Slats kiss.

“You’re the only one who’s cool with me not giving a shit about Global Warming and all that other crap,” tell her.

“I am,” she’ll say. Then she’ll kiss you some more. Then the two of you will go home, have sex, and not recycle stuff.

Happy You Don’t Really Care About The Environment Day!