There are news cameras aimed at you. Everyone wants to watch you learn about the internet.
Someone hands you a laptop.
“This is a personal computer,” they say. “Type something you want to look at.”
You type the words, Chicks peeing on guys’ buttholes.
“It’s magical,” you say as the search results scroll down the screen.
They suggest maybe you could type something else. “You can even write a blog post to get your own ideas out there,” you’re told.
They open a blog template for you. The title of your first post is, “9/11 Was A Joint Mission Of The CIA And Israel And Was The Result Of Airplane Shaped Robotic Missiles Remotely Controlled By George W. Bush.”
A reporter asks, “How did you even know about 9/11?”
You explain it was a hunch.
The cameras stop rolling. Everyone starts packing up.
“Wait,” your doctor says. “Try using the computer to look at an adorable video of a kitten.”
You watch an adorable video of a kitten. Then you ask if there’s a way to call the kitten a homosexual and tell it that you’d like to rape it. You’re directed to the Youtube comments section.
“Why’s everyone leaving?” you ask.
You’re told that everyone was hoping to see how the internet would be used by someone who’s never seen it before, but they’re bummed because you’re using it just like everyone else. You stop listening to practice the Harlem Shake.
Happy You Just Came Out Of A Forty-Year Coma And You’re About To Learn About The Internet Day!