Today you’ll be surprised when you come home to find a romantic dinner for two waiting for you on the table.
“Did you make this, Mr. Paws?” you’ll ask your cat.
“Yeah,” your cat will say. “I think I fucked up the sauce a little.”
“I’m sure it’s just delicious,” you’ll say as you take off your coat and sit down at the table.
Mr. Paws will pour you some wine and then sit down with you. You’ll start eating right away.
“You’re home a little late,” Mr. Paws will say.
“Not this again,” you’ll say as you stuff lamb into your mouth.
Mr. Paws will throw his fork on the plate. “No, this again, dammit! I slave away all day making you dinner, I don’t deserve a phone call telling me you’ll be late?”
“You can’t answer the phone! Remember? There’s a reason I didn’t name you Mr. Opposable Thumbs!”
“That’s not my point.”
“What is your point then dammit,” you’ll shout. Your fork will fall off your plate and onto your skirt. “Great, now this has to go to the cleaners.”
“Poor you!” your cat will yell. He’s starting to cry now.
“You know I could have you put to sleep,” you say. “Just take you to a shelter and say I’m done with you. It’s totally legal.”
“You’re a monster!” Mr. Paws will scream, running from the table to cry into his cat bed.
“You’re right. This is the saltiest fucking sauce I’ve ever eaten!” you’ll shout at his retreating tail.
Finish eating the meal and then go in and apologize before he takes out his anger on the upholstery of your easy chair.
Happy Your Cat Made Dinner Day!