God’s got a big date tonight with Diana, the girl who works at the magazine store.
“What should I wear?” God asks some saints.
They suggest the white robe. Then they tell him not to be nervous.
“Don’t be nervous?” God thunders. “I haven’t been on a date since Shannon.”
Shannon worked at Borders back before God caused them to go out of business. She cheated on God with someone else he created.
“Getting cheated on with my own creation? I’m just supposed to bounce back from that?”
The saints tell God he should just be himself.
On the date, things are going really well. Then in the car God makes a move on Diana. They kiss. God puts his hand on Diana’s breast. They undress. Diana performs fellatio on God and then God performs cunnilingus on Diana. Then God does something weird with Diana’s feet but she’s okay with it. There’s some spitting. Diana demands of God, “Tell me I’ve been disobedient.” God enters Diana from behind and the intercourse lasts several minutes.
God drops Diana off at her place and promises to call her. Back at heaven the saints ask God how it went. God just smiles.
“I know that smile!” one of the saints says. The others high five him.
God waves them off and goes to his room to think about Diana. Does he really like her for her, or is he just excited to feel something for someone again? He likes thinking about her. He kind of can’t wait to see her again. Just before bed he causes a massive earthquake in Southeast Asia, killing hundreds of thousands.
“But Diana’s safe,” God thinks as he turns on his white noise machine to drown out the screams coming from Earth. “Diana’s safe.”
Happy God’s Big Date Day!