Monday, May 16, 2011

Kill Me Like The Failed Hit On Vito In ‘The Godfather’ Day!

People with diseases pay you to kill them when they don’t want to battle their diseases any longer but they’re too scared or Catholic to pull the trigger themselves. You settled into this line of work after the mafia got too weak to afford your fee and the only client you still had left was the Government of the United States, but since they only ever wanted to pay you to kill people who stood in the way of the one-world government and secret global bank initiative, you decided that lowering your fee to kill people who actually wanted to die might be a fun change.

Anyway, today by wild coincidence you’re going to be hired to kill the woman you always thought you should have married. You haven’t seen her in thirty years, when you were getting on a plane to Helsinki and at the least minute she changed her mind and refused to go with you. She wants you to kill her while she’s buying oranges from a sidewalk grocer.

“I loved The Godfather,” she’ll say.

Tell her you can’t do it. Tell her you’ll do anything if she’ll stay alive and share whatever time she has left with you. Tell her you have some money and you can pay to get her better treatment for whatever disease she has.

“I don’t have a disease,” she’ll say. “I’m just done. I made the wrong choice thirty years ago when I didn’t go with you, and I’ve tried to live with it until now. I think thirty years is enough time to realize it’s not working.”

Tell her that you’re here now and you and she can make up for lost time.

“Just being around you makes me sad for the decades I wasted not being with you. It’s not fate that brought you here. I didn’t have the idea to die until I tracked you down and found out you were a killer for money. I realized that if it was you who killed me at the very end, the pain of being around you would be so great that I’d definitely go through with it. Make sure I’ve just barely bought the orange when you run up and pull the trigger.”

Tell her you won’t do it.

“Then I’ll report you to the police,” she’ll say. “Come on. You didn’t get to be the most important person in my life. I’m giving you the opportunity to be the most important person in my death. Don’t you want that?”

She makes a convincing argument. You agree to kill her and on the big day, right after you shoot her, while she’s still panting her last breaths, you lean over her and put the gun to your head.

“I knew you would,” she says.

Then you pull the trigger and the two of you leave this life the way you should have lived it - together.

Happy Kill Me Like The Failed Hit On Vito In ‘The Godfather’ Day!