You got your laptop stolen from a coffee shop not long ago (you left it alone on a table to go hit on a girl looking through postcards for terrible plays by the window. By the time the girl told you to leave her alone and you turned around, your laptop was gone). The guy must have immediately gone home and started answering your emails, because within 48 hours of losing your laptop, you and your father had reconciled your differences, your ex-girlfriend drunk dialed you, and your boss started telling everyone in the office that if they all had your attitude, the company’s stock would be through the roof already.
You check your sent mail file on Gmail and find that the guy who stole your laptop is capable of the most eloquent and evocative correspondence you’ve ever read. He was able to read into emails you’d gotten and instantly suss out what the writer was trying to say, and what the writer wanted to hear in response. And man did he tell them what they wanted to hear. Reading the emails he sent to your estranged father, ex-girlfriend, and especially your boss, you can’t help but shed a tear imagining what your life might have been like had you always had this strange man’s voice and grasp of human nature.
You decide to send an email to thank him, so you send it to yourself, assuming that he’s still reading.
Dear Guy Who Stole My Laptop,
Thanks for being me, in a way I could never be. I’m going to change my email password now.
You change your email password and then you put on your good suit. You’re having dinner with your dad tonight.
Happy The Guy Who Stole Your Laptop Is Way More Likeable Than You Are Day!
PS: Hey UNITED KINGDOM, my new book is available in your part of town on July 3rd. Pre-order now!
PPS: Listen to me on NPR's "The Bryant Park Project," reading from and discussing my book.
PPPS: Another reading in NY this Friday, at KGB Bar. 7 PM. Free!