Tuesday March 06, 2007

Today you’re going to sneak onto an empty cargo car on the train that’s carrying the traveling circus to their next stop three states over. You’ll settle in on a bale of hay and try to get some shut-eye, but then a bearded lady will come into the car with a flashlight. One look at the thick beard on her face and you’ll fall head over heels in love.

“Another stowaway,” she’ll say to you. Then she’ll swing a bat at your knees. The pain will knock you out.

When you wake up, the bearded lady will be holding ice packs to your knees. You’ll scream with pain.

“The pain is from me hitting your kneecaps with a bat,” she’ll tell you.

“I know!” you’ll shout. “Why are you icing them down now? Why didn’t you just throw me off the train?”

“Because in the instant when I was swinging the bat down on your kneecaps, I looked in your eyes and felt like we had something. Did you feel it?”

“Of course I did,” you’ll say. “It hit me harder than that bat ever could.” Then you’ll bury your face in her mound of stubble.

You’ll get off with her at the next stop and live at the circus in her trailer while your legs heel. Every night, when she’s finished wowing the crowd at the freak show, she’ll come back home and let you sink your lips into her bristling mass once more. When you’re finally able to walk again, you’ll tell the bearded lady, “Now I got no use to stay locked up in your trailer.”

The bearded lady will grab her bat and break your knees again. After lots of screaming, you’ll explain that you only said that to be sweet, and she doesn't have to hobble you anymore because you ain't going anywhere. Unless she shaves.

PS: Check out HAPPY CRUELTY DAY! It's the 'Girls Are Pretty' Book and it's in English.

Happy You Dig Bearded Ladies Day!