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 Tuesday October 17, 2006
Stoner Porn Day!

Being an entrepreneur is about finding a need in the consumer and fulfilling that need. Well, you are certain that there is a certain market of consumer for pornographic movies with storylines that sync up to various pop and rock albums in an apparently relevant manner.

You’ve sunk $40,000 into your company and so far you’re pretty happy with the product line. The most critically acclaimed videos include “Slut Force 2069” which is a futuristic story of a totalitarian state that has prohibited sexual expression of any kind, but an underground movement tries to gather people together for secret orgies in the sewers of the San Fernando Valley to try to set eroticism free from the shackles of fascism. “Slut Force 2069” syncs up almost perfectly to Radiohead’s “OK Computer.” It becomes most apparent during “Karma Police” when two government agents start questioning three buxom female members of Slut Force and the agents end up setting the Slut Force girls free in exchange for butt sex. Right when you see the first penetration shot you hear the lyric “This is what you get / When you mess with us.” It fits almost perfectly. Later in the album, when the chorus to “No Surprises” plays, the leader of Slut Force is having sex with the dictator of the United Republic of Global Abstinence and she’s repeating to him, “Warn me when you’re ready to come on my tits. Warn me when you’re ready to come on my tits.” It really blows your mind.

Another good one is “Three-Way Camp” which is all about a sleepaway camp where teenage girls go to have three-ways with male counselors. That one was one of the more experimental titles. You had Spanish wunderkind director Alfonso Cuaron take the helm and he made it sync up to “Hatful of Hollow” by the Smiths. You wouldn’t think it would work, but it actually syncs up so well some people complain that they can’t watch it because they get too creeped out.

The best seller would have to be “Blow Job Race” which syncs up to U2’s “The Unforgettable Fire.” The syncing isn’t really that interesting on that one. But it’s been flying off the shelves anyway, mostly because people just like the plot, which is that there’s a blow job race and the girl who gives the most blow jobs within a specified period of time wins.

But even “Blow Job Race” isn’t selling well enough to recoup your investment yet. It’s either because porn shops don’t yet have a “Cult Favorites” section, or people just don’t watch the videos for more then twelve minutes so they really don’t get a grasp of how well the sync-ups work. The only thing you can think to do is generate more product and hope the concept catches on.

Today you have to visit the set of “Fuck Party” which is about a fuck party. It’s written to sync up to “People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm” by A Tribe Called Quest, one of your favorite bands from when you were in college. Today they’re shooting the scene that syncs up to “Bonita Applebum,” which is the scene that made you give the project an immediate green light when you read the script. You may not be making yourself rich, but at least you’re doing something good for the world and you’re getting a heck of a lot of boners in the process.


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