Friday May 12, 2006
Shave Your Genitals Day!
Last year the big trend amongst your friends was to quit smoking and join MySpace. This year, it seems like every one of your friends has been shaving his or her genitals and then going on and on about the myriad benefits. Your friend Martin claims he's more confident when he talks to women. Julissa says she feels like it's stirred up her muses and she's been painting up a storm. And Karen says her car doesn't stall on cold mornings anymore.
You're not one to jump on the bandwagon, but you've been in a rut of late and you're willing to try anything that might turn things around for you. No way to know until you try. So tonight, using either a razor or a depilatory cream, remove all hair from the skin surrounding your vagina and anus until it all looks the way it did back when you were a baby, except bigger.
You'll go to bed tonight not feeling much different, except for a slight sting where raw skin meets the bedroom air without a buffer for the first time in who can count. And tomorrow you'll wake up with the all too familiar feeling of dread for another day that needs to be faced.
It's when you start interacting with people that the change will be apparent. On the bus into work, your fellow riders will smile at you. You see all the same faces every day, and rarely do those faces sport anything but frowns. Today they'll all be smiling as if your very presence was brightening their day. When you get up at your stop and wait behind the yellow line, Stanley the bus driver will say, "I bet I know what put that glint in your eye this morning."
"I didn't have sex," you'll tell him. "I just shaved my puss."
"I said I knew it," Stanley will cackle. "Now get that smoothness off my bus. You're gonna make people slip."
At work, the day will drone on like usual until around 4:00 when your boss walks in and shuts the door behind him.
"Did you shave your puss?" he'll ask.
Tell him yes, and ask, "Is that a problem?"
"On the contrary," he'll say. "I just wanted to come in here and give you the raise I would never have given you while you had pubes."
Jump up and down in the air until your boss tells you to slow down. "The first day it really chafes," he'll say.
"Are yours shaved?" ask him. He'll ask you how the hell you think he got where he is today. "Think they'd let me into the corner office dragging a carpet between my legs?" Then he'll waltz out of your office with what you'll now perceive to be a rather sprightly step.
You'll leave work thinking that things couldn't possibly get better and feeling so happy for having shaved your puss, and you'll meet the married man you've been seeing for a quick fling before he runs home to his wife. He'll make love to your shaved puss with a passion he's never expressed before. When it's all over he'll say, "I want to leave my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
You'll feel like he just slapped you in the gut. "Wow," is all you'll say.
"What?" he'll say. "I thought you'd be pleased. It's what you've been asking me to do for months now."
He's not kidding. You started hounding him to leave his wife for you after your first month together. And you thought you meant it. But once you've shaved your puss and he tells you he's going to really go through with it, you'll want to run for your life.
"You should have thought about this," your therapist will tell you when you bring it up with him. "With a shaved puss comes unmitigated freedom and a large number of choices to be made."
"But I've practically begged him for this," you'll tell your shrink. "Why aren't I happy?"
"Maybe it's the role you enjoyed," your shrink will say. "As the other woman with hairy genitals, you were stuck in a situation that was not likely to ever lead to a committed relationship. The impossibility of the situation protected you from having to address how you feel for this man. Now that you've shaved your puss, all doors are thrown open wide for you, but you feel like you're being dragged through one of them."
Say, "So I wanted to have my options limited?"
"With limited options," he'll say. "Things are decided for us. We don't have to take responsibility for our choices."
Say, "Wow, I never would have learned all of this about myself if I hadn't shaved my puss."
Your therapist will ask you whether you used a razor or a depilatory cream. Tell him you think the question is inappropriate, then call your married man and tell him to stay with his wife because you and he are history. Take the reins, baldy.
Happy Shave Your Genitals Day!