Thursday March 22, 2007

A high-end department store is hiring salesmen in their Men’s Suits department. Before you apply, put lots of grease into your long, gray, curly hair and then pull it into a pony tail. Look disgusting? Perfect! Now get into that HR office and impress.

“Why do you want to sell suits?” the interviewer will ask.

“I’m too gross to wait tables. I look like a rapist, whether I am one or not, so I can’t be a high-rise building’s doorman. I’m covered in thick body hair, which makes me really hot in the summer, so I can’t work construction. I’m the worst man alive, so I figured, might as well sell suits.”

“I notice you’re not spitting when you talk.”

Don’t say anything.

“I say I notice you’re not spitting when you talk,” the interviewer will repeat.

Look contrite. “I have chronic cotton mouth. I don’t spit when I talk, you’re right. But it makes my breath smell terrible. Win some, lose some.”

The interviewer will appear to be thinking it over. Quickly hand the interviewer an invite to a swingers’ party, and your case will made. By this weekend terrified men of all walks of life will have no choice but to let you touch their persons.

PS: Check out HAPPY CRUELTY DAY! It's the 'Girls Are Pretty' Book and it will tell you how to get your Dad to move back in with you and your mom.

Happy Sell Suits Day!