Wednesday July 20, 2005
Television and the touch of strange skin has been boring you more and more over the course of the last decade, so you've decided to break down and acquire for yourself a real entertainment outlet. You've decided to drill some peepholes into your neighbors' apartments.
You'll drill one into each adjoining wall of your mauve box studio apartment, and you'll drill one hole into the ceiling. The hole in the west wall will offer a view into that neighbor's kitchen. That neighbor, Jinsey, is very attractive and you will be upset that the hole did not open out into either her bedroom or bathroom.
Through the hole in the north wall you'll see the bedroom of Hank McAdams, the twenty-three year old investment banker recently transplanted from Alabama. Hank is very handsome and you'll be excited to see what sort of company he'll be inviting back to his bedroom. When you first peek through the hole, however, you'll see Hank rolled up in a ball on his bed and crying next to some photographs of his parents.
Through the ceiling hole you'll see the apartment belonging to your upstairs neighbor, Loretta. She won't be home when you first peek, but you'll be looking forward to looking up her skirts.
When you peek through the east hole, you'll see your neighbor Marc Dunleavy dead on his floor and being sawed apart by a naked man. You'll be terrified, but you won't be able to tell anyone because if you do, you'll have to admit to having drilled holes into your walls and you'll be run out of the building as a Peeping Tom (nobody likes a Peeping Tom).
You've lived in that apartment for nearly two decades and the rent is extremely affordable. You don't know what you'd do if you had to move. So you'll watch in silence as the naked man saws Marc apart until he's just a torso and a pile of loose appendages. When it becomes clear that the naked man is ready to start inserting himself into Marc's various and gaping arm and leg sockets, you'll luckily hear Loretta's footsteps. You'll climb onto a chair and try to look up her skirt, doing your best to forget about poor Marc next door who, in fairness, was never one for holding the elevator for anybody. Sadly, when you get your eye to the ceiling's peephole you'll discover that Loretta is wearing pants today. Things just don't work out for you.
Happy Peepholes Day!