Thursday July 26, 2007

Call Vanguard and ask the guy, “How much is in my 401K now?”

“602 dollars,” he’ll say.

“Sweet! I’m going to the shore this weekend. How fast can you get that to me?”

He’ll tell you about the penalties incurred by cashing in early, stuff you’ve all heard before. But then he’ll add that there’s a sixty dollar fee for getting a rush wire transfer of funds.

“Sixty bucks? So after the fees and the penalties, how much will I get?”

“206 dollars,” he’ll say.

“Kickass! Lemme have it.”

He’ll ask you how old you are and you’ll say fifty-one. He’ll ask if you have a retirement goal and you’ll say, “Yeah. It’s called ‘Dying Early.’ And if I use that 206 bucks right, I should be a whole lot closer to that goal after this weekend. Hoo baby do I have some fun lined up for me down in Cape May.”

He’ll ask you what you got planned and you’ll tell him and while you give him the details the Vanguard guy will just keep saying, “Wow, no kiddin’?!” By the end of the call, the Vanguard guy will start to think maybe you’re the one who’s got it all figured out, and all those billions of dollars under Vanguard management are the treasure chests of a bunch of Nervous Nellies who are scared to sleep with beach prostitutes because of the possibility of contracting some very minor and treatable diseases.

PS: Check out HAPPY CRUELTY DAY! It's the 'Girls Are Pretty' Book and it's the only thing you'll remember about tonight.

Happy Cash In Your 401K Again Day!