Tuesday August 01, 2006

This morning you’ll be served by a new waitress (Laura will have demanded that she switch stations to avoid you). When, Carol, the new waitress comes back to your table after picking up your bill and she asks you where’s the tip, you’ll say to her, “Here’s a tip. Don’t stand under a tree in a lightnin’ storm. Good luck to ya, toots.” Then as you leave the diner, Carol will give you the finger to your back.

Later today Carol and her fiancé will get caught in a thunderstorm while picnicking on her lunch break in a local park. They will seek refuge under a large maple tree and they’ll watch as lightning strikes the landscape all around them. Her fiancé will marvel at the storm as if it were a fireworks display. But Carol will remember your tip, and she’ll suddenly wonder if maybe you are a tad more generous with the help than she originally thought.

“We gotta get out from under this tree,” she’ll tell her fiancé.

“What!” her fiancé will exclaim. “Are you crazy?”

The waitress will tell him it’s not safe. “We gotta get out of here,” she’ll say. “We’re in danger.”

The fiancé will look up at the tree above him. “That old wive’s tale? You’re kidding me. I’m not going back out in that rain!” he’ll yell.

Carol won’t be able to wait any longer. She’ll step out from under the cover of the trees and demand that her fiancé follow her. “If you don’t step out from under that tree, I swear to you I will not marry you. Now take my hand and lets run underneath that footbridge there.”

The fiancé will see how serious she is, and he’ll finally run to her and take her outstretched hand. They won’t run ten paces before they hear a loud crack behind them. When they turn to look, they’ll see the maple tree has exploded into flames from the lightning, and they’ll watch it crash to the ground that they were standing on.

Tonight, when you return to the diner for dinner (you’re a lonely old man who can see the point in the future where people’s lives could be irreparably destroyed and you rarely speak to anyone but waitresses and retail sales staff members) the waitress and her fiancé will come to your table and recount their exciting tale. Carol will thank you for the tip you gave her. “Had that not been in my head, we might have stayed under that tree. We’d be dead by now if it wasn’t for you.”

You’ll nod. Carol will elbow her fiancé and he’ll say, “Yeah thanks. Look, I gotta go meet Brian.” Carol will kiss her fiancé goodbye, then she’ll take your order.

At the end of your dinner, when Carol brings you your check, she’ll wait by your table while you count out your money. You’ll look up and she’ll have anticipation in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she’ll say. “Just…Any tip for me today?”

You’ll stand up and pull your coat on, then you’ll say, “Always make sure that when your fiancé puts on a condom, he doesn’t forget to pinch the nub. Good luck to ya’ toots.”

You’ll walk to the door and Carol will shout at your back, “But I’m on the pill!”

She won’t mention your tip to her fiancé tonight, but it would have been too late anyway because when he said he was going to see his friend Brian, he was actually going to visit Brenda, the ex-girlfriend he’s been cheating on Carol with. The condom will break and Brenda will get pregnant. Brenda will have the baby, but she’ll run off afterwards and Carol’s husband will ask Carol to raise Brenda’s son as her own. The waitress will agree, and every time that boy gives her a hard time, she’ll look in his eyes and remember what a really great tipper you were.

Happy Big Tipper Day!