Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Heatedly Debate Whether The Strokes Or The White Stripes Is The Better Band Until You Do Us All A Favor And Put A Fucking Bullet In Your Head Day!

Asshole #1: The White Stripes saved rock n' roll, man!

Asshole #2: Bullshit, the Strokes did!

Asshole #1: The Strokes sound like if Velvet Underground was hired to play at a high school sock hop!

Asshole #2: Oh yeah, well the White Stripes sound like a Led Zeppelin cover band playing nothing but Aerosmith songs.

Asshole #1: Oh please, the Strokes are a bunch of prep school poseurs!

Asshole #2: Talk about posing. At least the Strokes look good in their pose! Who'd wanna fuck a White Stripe?!

Narrator: (wearing a tan linen suit) Your handguns gentlemen.

Asshole #1: Oh yeah, thanks man.

Asshole #2: Yeah, thanks. Hey is this loaded?

(Narrator gives Asshole #2 a "look")

Asshole #1: So anyway, the White Stripes have that 70's energy. That rock n' roll swagger.

Asshole #2: Do not! The Strokes live off the smoke-filled air of Max's Kansas City.

Asshole #1: (sings) Yeah you're pretty good-lookin', for a girl...

Asshole #2: (sings louder) Laaast night, sheee said...

Narrator: (not wearing a Jeff Cap) Gentlemen. I believe it's time.

Asshole #1: Guess this is it, then.

Asshole #2: Yeah, man. It's been...I'm glad we did this, man.

SFX: Two Gunshots. Two thumps.

(Enter An Extremely Tall Man and a Midget who drag the bodies away by their ankles and argue hilariously over who has the heavier corpse to drag)

Happy Heatedly Debate Whether The Strokes Or The White Stripes Is The Better Band Until You Do Us All A Favor And Put A Fucking Bullet In Your Head Day!

Monday, April 29, 2002

Don't Go To Bed With A Boy Tonight Monday!

Girls only. If a boy wants to go to bed with a boy, that might be cool. But girls can't go to bed with any boys tonight. Okay? You can mess around, kiss and feel each other up and stuff, and handplay is allowed just as long as your pants don't go below your thighs. But no oral sex or penetration of any kind. Okay?

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Sit In Abject Terror Day!

"Nothing ever happens to me," says the whiny little baby. "I sure wish I could be involved in something intriguing and momentous replete with brief erotic interludes preceding moments of sheer terror."

Did someone say terror? Well you're in luck. Because today's Sit In Abject Terror Day!

That's right, couch potatoes. For all you folks who gave up long ago on coming upon some small jostle of excitement to gently disturb your otherwise flat, static lives, today's the day to go fucking batshit with fear! And I'm not talking about that pussy anxiety crap you sob to your couples counselor about until he prescribes you a vial of anti-sissy medication. I'm talking barricade yourself in a closet because they're coming. I'm talking smother your pets now because at least by your hand they'll die a humane death. I'm talking motherfuckers in capes!

"But-- But-- But--," says the little baby girly-girl, "But how can I sit in abject terror if I can't think of any reason why anyone would even know I'm alive let alone want me dead?"

Let's just say you're a pawn in a game you didn't know was being played, and no one can make the next move until you're eliminated. Or fuck that, let's just say they're coming. Duck motherfucker.

So pull that afghan up just below your bugged-out eyes and tremble your clenched fists as you watch the door knob jiggle with increasing violence because today's Sit In Abject Terror Day!

Saturday, April 27, 2002

Let's Cut Through The Bullshit And Get To The Nitty Gritty Day!

Why don't we save the song and dance for your Broadway debut, Sammy. If I wanted to hear campfire stories I'da stayed in the Girl Scouts. You can try to pretty The Truth up with a bunch of flowers and maybe some framed photographs of loved ones and deceased pets, but eventually you're gonna have to move, redecorate, or at least paint the walls, and you're gonna take all that frill and fluff off the hooks and guess what's gonna jump off the wall and tongue you on the pee flaps? THE TRUTH, that's what. It's gonna jump up on the coffee table like a giant elephant at dinner that no one wants to talk about, or like some guy's alcoholism, and it's gonna be wearin' a big ugly hat and it's gonna break vases screamin', "Why ya done hide me away like a retarded kid in a attic, Baby? Dont'cha remember when we used ta drive down the shore?" You won't remember because The Truth will be speaking figuratively. But The Truth will hold up a mirror and show you an old, old woman/man and you'll realize that all those years ago you had just one shot at honest, angry love and you tossed it in the garbage just because I wasn't brought up with a silver spoon in my mouth.

I may not have no family shield, but that's 'cause I ain't gotta hide behind nothin'. We got one shot at bein' happy. Don't throw it away.

Now, get in the van.

Friday, April 26, 2002

Tell A Stranger At A Bar Your Story Day!

Pick the spot at the bar where it seems like no matter how crowded and rowdy and young it gets all around you, your little section of stools is as solemn as a confessional. Someone is going to approach you with a pickup line, but you'll know by his or her tone that the last thing on his or her mind is getting into your pants. By the way you're sipping that scotch, s/he can almost read on your face the story you have to tell. You might be suspicious at first, but you know you got one choice. Tell your story tonight or it dies with you.

No one's saying what your story should be about, but people enjoy hearing about fires being set to things for insurance money. Unfaithful spouses and hitchhiking ghosts on highways can be quite intriguing as well. If your story involves important details like "Pilates Class Enrollment Forms" or the words "He Molested Me," embellish. After you tell the story, you should take your audience back to your place and make urgent love. Assuming, of course, that you don't die by your own hand in the restroom first. Happy Tell A Stranger At A Bar Your Story Day!

Thursday, April 25, 2002

Eat Until You're Happy Day!

Do you live alone? Has it been years since you've felt that you could truly and wholly trust another? Do you feel frustrated, not only in your attempts to fulfill your creative and emotional needs with your career, but in your efforts to even know what those needs might be? Do your parents express indifference as to whether you might come and visit them once more before they die?

Well then, maybe you should eat more.

You'd be surprised how many people like yourself find temporary spiritual relief in eating. But if you just make that minimal effort to eat steadily during hours of consciousness, all that food might seep out of your belly and start to fill up that void in your soul.

"But whenever my belly digests the food I've eaten, all the hamburger buns and microwave burritos start seeping out of the hole in my existence and into my belly to be ground up into nutrients. How do I stop the digestive process?"

Unfortunately, your body keeps digesting food until you die. That's why you must never ever stop eating so that there's always more food on the way when your heart starts to implode in on its own hollowness. Just keep it stuffed up with mashed potatoes and you'll never feel the need to look any further than your kitchen cabinet for fulfillment.

Are you eating? I bet you feel better already don't you? Because today's Eat Until You're Happy Day! Hey, who's already forgotten about their libido?

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Let The Lord Jesus Christ Fill Your Heart With Love Day!

To pull this off, you're gonna have to get really high. Invite some folks over with whom you're friendly enough that they'd be up for fucking just because everyone's mutually fun to be around and it's springtime out and you're all really high. Get a bathtub sign-up sheet going too, and delegate to someone the duty of draining, cleaning and refilling the tub after every use so that everyone gets some soak time when they want it. When you think you're so very comfortable and pleasured that you might just float away on a breeze, that's when you lay back and let the Lord Jesus Christ fill your heart with love or whatever. It might feel good, but then again so does same-sex naked cuddling with a softball teammate.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Nobody Dies Day!

24 hours. We can do it. Think globally, act locally and we can keep the entire population of the earth alive for one more day. Sometime around eleven tonight, find someone old or really diseased like your dad and pound on his or her chest screaming, "You never gave up on anything in your life!!! Don't quit on me now! Not on my watch!" At midnight, shake his or her hand and say "Way to live." Then head out to the bar, which is staying open an hour later tonight since everyone's going to be running out to celebrate nobody having died. There will be mucho trim.

I'd get good and drunk though because with everyone expending so much energy trying to stay alive today, tomorrow it's gonna be a fucking bloodbath. Not a pretty site, is all I'm sayin'. But hey, it's worth it right? 'Cause today's Nobody Dies Day!

Monday, April 22, 2002

Make Out On Grass Day

I don't mean, "get high and neck." I mean go find a patch of grass, plop down and swap spit. Don't freak out about being stared at. Everyone's looking at that lesbian couple who are sunbathing topless to make a point. You'll be fine. Just try not to roll over on top of each other. Then people have no choice but to look at you and wonder "Jesus, are they gonna fuck?" Or at least wait until you're ready to leave. Let it be the finale. By the way, this is unrelated, but I've been having a lot of dreams lately where I have this gargantuan erection and I have to keep it hidden or I'll be executed by the death squads.

Sunday, April 21, 2002

Go Back To Bed Day!

There's nothing out here for you. Just go back to bed. Go on.

Saturday, April 20, 2002

Ask An Attractive Member Of The Service Industry If You Can Buy Him Or Her A Drink After He Or She Gets Off Work Tonight Day!

Your friends are sick of eating at this shitty whole foods restaurant every fucking day. All they sell is beets and miso soup. They're going to stop inviting you out because they know you'll steer them back to the place just so you can feed this obsession you have with that goddamn waitress/waiter (who, frankly, is not even all that attractive. And he/she is working here, in a whole foods restaurant making sixty nine dollars a shift. To stay here for this long making so little money means she/he is here for "the philosophy" of the place which is really some bad fucking news). Why don't you just-- What? No she/he isn't looking over here. Why don't you just ask him/her out?

In fact, fuck this. There are a lot of waitresses/waiters I enjoy staring at who work in restaurants that actually serve heated food. I'm out of here. And when she/he comes back to take your order, I highly recommend you suggest that you reciprocate his/her wonderful service by getting him/her a drink after his/her shift's over tonight, and I recommend you suggest a place that sells vegetable juices, and if you don't do it tonight you can forget about inviting me out for dinner ever again because we're all real sick of putting up with this shit. You broke up with Sharon/Jimmy over six months ago. It's like you're focusing on shit that you know will never work out just to avoid finally moving on. Ask him/her out and get this shit over with. Because today's Ask An Attractive Member Of The Service Industry If You Can Buy Him Or Her A Drink After He Or She Gets Off Work Tonight Day!

Friday, April 19, 2002

Be A Hero Day!

You'll need a shortwave radio or police scanner to keep an ear to the ground for anyone in distress. You should back your car into your parking space rear first so you can pull out fast and also keep your shoes and socks on so you don't have to waste any time pulling your shoes and socks on when you hear that a woman was taken hostage by three masked hoodlums at First National Bank, forcing police to stand down. Get over there and tell the pencil-pushing flat-footed pigs to let you have a crack at the scumbag punks. When you get inside, act like you're going to negotiate, then knock the gun away from the woman's head, push her out of the way, then run up a wall and do a flip through the air and knock two of the three guys unconscious with a double kick, then grab a gun that one of them tossed in the air and aim it at the third guy.

Or you could just warn someone that s/he is about to step in a pile of dogshit. Either way, you're totally gonna get laid. Because today's Be A Hero Day!

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Remember The Hue And Texture Of An Ex-Lover's Skin Day!

"It could keep the neighbors awake it seemed to glow so bright."
- Edward Mangum, Seattle, WA. Pisces.

"I wanna say her ass felt like velvet, but when you're in love with a new chick, everything feels like velvet. But I used to rest my cheek on her ass, sometimes I'd fall asleep there, and it was like I could use night time as a pillow for my head."
- Lisa Colleti, Pittsburgh, PA. School Board Administrator.

"He was this beet, bright red all over except where his thighs met his crotch. That was this sick white. And he was coarse. It felt like there were several layers of skin that needed to be peeled off but he would never get around to it. Like vacuuming. His skin suited him."
- Christine Eleanor, Chatsworth, CA. 1966-2000.

"She was yellow. Like she was supposed to be beige or whatever, but her insides where made of the colour orange."
- Kevin Brown, Sheffield, UK. Hobbies include painting.

"Fucked up, yeah, but I swear his nipples were the exact same color as the surrounding skin. So, you would, I mean I would get really weirded out because he'd just have these bumps of skin with no other disparity. It looked like the way someone would design an alien in a movie."
- Chelsea Solchnikov, Plano, TX. Democrat.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Don't Press My Buttons Day!

Look, I'm not in the mood. Didja hear what I said? Do yourself a favor and just drive the car, all right Flapjacks? I don't like bein' paired up with you any more than you like havin' to sit next to me all day long. But if you wanna make it home with your ass not pulled over your head you're gonna forget all about ever seein' even a single episode of The Paper Chase. Just don't press my buttons is all.


Goddammit, pull over.

(because today's Don't Press My Buttons Day!)

Thursday, April 11, 2002

The Girls Are Pretty "I've Had It With You" Week!

Listen Dickhead, if I have to wake up one more morning and re-teach you how to wipe your ass I'm gonna fuck a kid. Pretty Girl is taking a vacation. So then, below, in decending order, are the next six special occasions/personal regression assignments. I'm thinking descending so as not to disrupt the flow of the page and send some sad fuck to his bathtub with a bottle of bourbon and a hypodermic full of Nyquil (I don't know, either). So scroll down to the bottom of this post and you'll find out what to do Thursday, April 11th. Try not to read early about the upcoming days or you'll ruin everything and we'll all call you to tell you you're not very attractive.

Kill It!!! Day!
I think he ran up the doorframe! Get it! No, wait. Oh Christ, I just had this place sprayed for-- Fuck it's got fucking wings!!! Kill it! Kill it! Because today's Kill It!!! Day!

Dance To Nothing Day!
Today, alcohol and nudity will be a big help. Privacy is a plus as well. No one's telling you what to dance to. Well, actually, we are I guess. Dance boisterously and erotically if you can muster it to absolutely nothing. Close the windows, the blinds, unplug the stereo and even the phone because that ring can provide a rhythm. Just get in front of a mirror and undulate like you want nothing more than to sway with your reflection until the Earth caves under. Look at your nipples as your arms fly up into the silence. You're pretty when you dance and that look on your face tells me I did not have to point that out to you. Because today's Dance To Nothing Day!

Call Someone You Know Is Dead Day!
A few months ago you were bored and started Googling old college buddies to see what you could find. Turns out your sophomore roommate Kelly died in a car crash, leaving behind a childless husband. Well, you have his number. Call him up and ask for Kelly. Just let him explain that she's no longer with us and apologize for the indiscretion. You'll never forget it.

Hang On To Your Wide-Eyed Innocence Day!
Don't ask what's buzzing behind all those glassy eyes you see floating by on the sidewalk. You'll make them forget their answer. You should have been broken by now. Keep your head down and wear a sweater. Don't catch cold. Don't lose hope. I bet you don't even know it's yours to lose do you?

Get Into A Fistfight Day!
No one's saying you have to win. In fact, losing might be what you're looking for. After all, who wants to hang out with the asshole who just won a fistfight? It's the guy who lost, the one who probably brought it on himself, the charming prick who's saddled up at the bar to drink his own nosebleed with another beer that you wanna talk to. Look at him, he just got the shit kicked out of him and he's laughing out loud at his girlfriend for worrying about the cut on his head.

Don't just look at him. Be him. Go walk in front of a dart game and get your ass kicked by someone who smells like fresh drywall. Because today's Get Into A Fistfight Day!

Bore Someone With Talk About Your Smoking Habits Day! !
How many years? How many packs a day? Cutting down? Picking up the pace? Does your wife want you to quit? These are the questions to which your friend does not want answers. But guess what, today you're gonna tell him anyway. Why? Because I hate your fucking friends and I hate you you fuck.

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Go Buy a Shitload of Donuts Day!

Hey there. Wanna donut? Well, buy some anyway. Buy like 5 dozen donuts then put them out at work or your Learning Annex pottery class or wherever and just watch everyone go into a trance when they see that box in the middle of the room. If they had ten seconds to save their moms from being lowered into a vat of acid they'd take the time to shove a fucking donut in their mouths first. They're trying to fill a void.

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

It's Porpoise Day!

April 9th already?! Wow, it feels like I just took down my Porpoise Day tree. But it's that time of year again, time to celebrate Porpoises! So head on down to your local deli counter and mention Porpoise Day to get half off a prime flank Porpoise Cutlet!

Monday, April 08, 2002

You're Simply The Most Beautiful Creature I've Ever Seen Day!

Today I am in shock that someone possessed of such an otherworldly beauty would have to sully his or herself by taking a temporary word processing assignment at a marketing firm. We all need to pay the rent, but today I feel that you shouldn't have to. Today it seems that the world as a whole should say to you "You're money's no good here" in gratitude for deigning to walk the same soil as the rest of us.

This'll only last for the day, so I suggest you make the most of it. Take a few unnecessary trips past my office so you can hear me try to stifle a sigh as I wonder if someone so precious would ever allow him or herself to stoop low enough to grant me his or her attention, for just a moment perhaps. Because today's You're Simply The Most Beautiful Creature I've Ever Seen Day!

Sunday, April 07, 2002

Tip A Forty For The Lost Hour Day!

That Hour always had your back. 60 minutes of pure, trusted friendship. Whether you needed a ride to the airport, some tools, or money for a partial birth abortion you knew you could count on The Hour to come through.

The Hour is dead. Tip the eight-ball, yo.

Saturday, April 06, 2002

"Wash Your Fucking Body Already, Pigpen" Day!!

Are you fucking homeless or what? You smell like saliva on skin. Maybe your towel's gone bad or something. Roll down your window before we pick up Dave.

Friday, April 05, 2002

Ruin A Platonic Relationship With Sex Day!

You can tell your friend anything. If you need to call someone late at night, you know there's one person who'll pick up. If you went to prison for justified though excessive assault, you and your friend wouldn't even bother to discuss his/her assuming legal guardianship of your child(ren). The level of trust between the two of you is rivaled by few.

Well, today's the day to fuck it all goodbye! After all, the only reason you two became friends is because when you met, he/she was either unavailable or found you too unattractive to screw and you've resented him/her ever since. But guess what, if you make a pass tonight, he/she will be in the no-win situation of either rejecting you and losing your friendship or banging you and losing your friendship. Since there's at least a one in a million chance that screwing will be your first step into a romantic relationship, as opposed to the absolute certainty of dissolution if you are rejected, the sex is practically guaranteed! Though both of you will be quite giving, almost to the point of competition, your coupling will be strained and mechanical. As if you're humping away with both of your brows furrowed with a look of "...the hell?"

But so what? It's sex, isn't it?

Thursday, April 04, 2002

It's Drinkin' Thursday!

Call in sick. And from the minute you wake up to the minute you pass out just never stop drinkin'. However, and this is essential, everyone must perform this annual ritual alone, in your respective apartments, sitting in a tense posture on the edge of your bed. Happy Drinkin' Thursday!

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

Fight Back Day!

This shit has gone way too far. Do they think you're just gonna roll over, spread your cheeks and put out a welcome mat for anyone who feels like wandering up your ass and rearranging the furniture? Why don't you put on a pot of coffee while you're at it?

Fuck that. Hit 'em back.

That said, here's a poem about women with perfect skin and stringy hair:

She's Got Perfect Skin And Stringy Hair

Give me back my wallet
She whispers
All of my credit cards and my identification are in there
She begins to pout
Did you ever think someone with such small pores
Would be beckoning up at you
She's begging you
This is the moment you've been waiting for
And all you can do is wonder
Whether she's washing her hair too much
Or too little

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Give Up Day!

We're all tryin' to climb that wall, aren't we? And sometimes we take on projects that can be a bit challenging. Well today's the day you look challenge in the eye and say "Fuck this!" Whether it be an unwieldy draft of a screenplay, a savings account, or efforts towards seminal fertilization, just rip one item off your to-do list and throw it in the trash can. You'll feel quite a weight lift off your shoulders let me tell you boy.

Monday, April 01, 2002

Remember When You Hurt Somebody Day!

You think you're basically a good person. As do your friends and loved ones. Well if you are what is considered Good are we to conclude that even the good of the world are capable of destroying another human being as coldly and selfishly as you did that special someone not very long ago. He/She made the mistake only of caring for you and was repayed with soul-wrenching cruelty. There's something dark living inside you.